Violation

Some time ago, Urukha had warned me of temptations to be found in Silvermoon, when I had told her that I planned to visit the elven city on occasion to build a resistance to the stench of the arcane. Events of last night echo her warning, despite being in Orgrimmar the whole time, but I worry more of the discomfort these temptations may give me, rather than succumbing to them.

It began when I passed by, then turned to speak with Tywren in the Valley of Honor last night. We spoke of brother Westel's wedding tonight, and Westel himself came to us and joined our discussion. Later, we were joined by Keikio - it had been some time since I saw her last, after she had played a joke on me and made me feel very foolish. This time, however, there was talk of her looking to find a male, and I believe she had made an advance on me by pinching my rear. Again I had made a fool of myself; my shock caused me to jump forward and fall over, and this was met with laughter from the others around me. She would do this again later in the night, with a similar outcome.

I have noticed across many cultures that those in love do such things. I worry. I do not find myself attracted to Keikio as a lifemate. In fact, I have not felt such an attraction to one that is not shu'halo. I will admit I believe I have felt this way for sisters Saekwa and Onokwa, but I am unsure, and do not know if they would reciprocate my feelings. But I digress... if Keikio has fallen for me, I do not wish to harm her heart, as she is still family to me, but it would be foolish for us to be together as mates if I cannot return her affection.

Caelyssa joined us as Keikio left, and at some point asked Westel and I why were not doing something to celebrate the last night Westel would be not mated. I was not aware that such a celebration existed, and unfortunately the discussion would turn to me and how I kept my distance from activity my birth tribe would see as deviant. Westel insisted that I should be given a "lap dance," which I would later find out was a dance done by a female upon the lap of a male, meant to encourage mating. Caelyssa told me she would be willing to do this, and I became embarrassed and conflicted. I excused myself and walked for some time around Orgrimmar... were they serious? What would my ancestors think of this? I thought again of Keikio, and wondered if it may be possible that I might feel an attraction to blood elves.

I returned to Westel and Caelyssa, and told them that I was willing to do this. I was met with hesitation and surprise, but was led to a place by Westel and Zau'tal where we could do this. After a short wait for her to prepare, she began the dance. I was nervous and tense, and the fel scent on her spirit did not help to leave me at ease. When it ended, I was only left confused, and felt no attraction. Looking back, I feel... relieved, for now I have learned something absolute about myself. I can only hope, now, that I have not offended my ancestors. I pray for forgiveness now, if I have.

Honoring the Flames

Yesterday evening I spent much time in Orgrimmar, listening to the Midsummer tale weaver's stories of Midsummers past. His tales gave to me a better understanding of this celebration, and inspired me to honor the flames this year. I was also moved to snuff the bonfires lit by those deemed enemy of the Horde, upon hearing tales of atrocities committed by them during this festival.

I returned to the Ravine to gather my armor and prepare, asking one of the Wind Riders in the service of the tribe if it would not mind helping me in this task. While reluctant due to my weight, he agreed to help me in this task, and we set out for Orgrimmar. I called out to the tribe on my talisman to share my intentions, and Nystia, Caelyssa, Siuliaruin, and an initiate I had not met before, named Alexir, responded to my call. We gathered at the zeppelin tower and began to plan our route through the Eastern Kingdoms, beginning in Strangled Thorns Vale and travelling north.

Our travels were safe until we reached Goldshire, where we were ambushed by a group intent on protecting their bonfire. I attempted to fend off the attackers to the best of my ability, but we were overwhelmed. I am not sure of what happened to the others, but for a time I was knocked unconscious and left for dead. I came to my senses near Siuliaruin, and the others eventually found us. My head ached, but I thought little of it and pressed on... this would come back to me later in dwarven land. I became dizzy and unable to stand. Nystia offered to take me home, and Siuliaruin created a portal to Thunder Bluff for me.

I slept at an inn in Thunder Bluff on Pipiltin's recommendation, and awoke with no ails. I pray that the others are safe and in good health, and wonder if they had decided to press on without me. I believe I am feeling well enough to continue our quest tomorrow night, but I must prepare. I will tell the tribe of this tonight at our circle.

It Begins Again

As I feared, Yogg-Saron still taunts me. I am seeing the val'kyr once again, and her whispers attempt to turn me against those around me. I am better prepared this time.

Two nights ago, Mukwa had shown me this strange puzzle box he had found in Storm Peaks, in Northrend some time ago, and asked me to solve it. The puzzle was confusing... I do not think it is possible to solve it. However, when I started making progress, I heard her whisper again... much clearer and louder than before. All doubts Mukwa and I had were cast away at that moment: Yogg-Saron was attempting to influence me.

I had sought out Zelevia for advice before this, and my meeting with Mukwa echoed her advice: I must focus on what is real, or I will lose myself to madness. Mukwa told me to think of one thing that is real, and to focus on it and only it if Yogg-Saron speaks to me or appears before me... it has worked, so far. Every time I have seen something strange or heard a whisper in my ear, I think of an apple... my favorite food. Pipiltin's favorite food.

Yesterday I had encountered Zitajie in the passage between the Drag and the Valley of Honor; we had passed each other by, and I did not recognize her at first. We spoke briefly and I relayed my concerns about my mind to her... she ran off to find someone else, and told me not to leave the city. Unfortunately, at this time I was summoned to what I would later learn to be a mountain in Azshara for a party run by Aevelina and Caelyssa. I did not wish to disappoint them, so against Zitajie's advice, I allowed myself to be summoned. There was food and games, as most Burning Tusk gatherings have, and I enjoyed myself.

However, I became separated from the group during a game of Hide and Seek. While searching for Kalenar, I thought I had seen him, and followed him away from the mountain... and before my eyes, he vanished. It began to storm, and my talisman would not work. I do not doubt that this is Yogg-Saron's work, as I found that I was in the midst of a night elven parol route with no weapon or shield to protect myself with... only the shorts at my waist. Over time I had managed to safely make it back to Orgrimmar, then here to the Burning Ravine. I shall speak with the others... perhaps someone had gathered my items I left at the mountain.

I must be more careful with what I see, or do. I pray that the Earth Mother can intervene and show me the true path in these times. I do not wish to fall victim to the very thing that afflicted our ancestors.

To Silvermoon

Arcane magic has long baffled me. When I was a calf, I was taught that one so inclined to could wield the elements by speaking to them and being unselfish in doing so. However, there are many who force the elements' shapes to their will... this is called arcane magic. I have heard many stories of those who practice arcane magic becoming tainted by the unnatural forces they wield, and I am able to detect this. The arcane leaves a scent on one's soul, a very pungent stench, and the longer one exposes themselves to it, the stronger this scent becomes. Many others, shu'halo and non-shu'halo alike, have noted that my sensitivity to the scent is unique... it can overpower my senses, and oftentimes I must sneeze to cleanse them of it, even if it is temporary.

I understand that elven culture is based on the arcane. This is especially evident in the elves of the Eastern Kingdoms, though I had been unaware of just how much. Yesterday, I had been riding around the Ravine on a raptor I had trained with the help of Zon'Krul earlier in the evening, listening in to a conversation over the talisman between Aevelina and Gren'mazi, about tattoos. I encountered Aevelina not much later, and she, with Caelyssa, invited me to accompany them to Silvermoon City. I had been long curious about what the elven homeland was like, and accepted their invitation.

The two of them had found their way to the city before I could, and Caelyssa used the summoning power of the talisman to bring me there. The city was very beautiful... but a different kind of beautiful than one would feel while wandering the plains. Caelyssa understood how I felt, telling me that she was also overwhelmed at how Thunder Bluff looked when she had first found it. However, my ability to admire my surroundings was cut short, as the stench of the arcane began to make itself known to me. It came from all around; I saw many objects floating above the ground as we wandered the roads of the city, looking for a tattoo artist. The whole time I had sneezed repeatedly... once on Caelyssa.

I felt foolish, and a burden, for letting my curiosity of the world get the better of me. Caelyssa assured me I was not burdening them, and the decision to leave was only because there was nobody in the city that could draw a tattoo. She suggested that I should perhaps visit Silvermoon periodically, to build a resistance to the scent. I think that it may be a good idea, should I need to go there in the future for another reason.

Until Ash

Two nights ago, a small group of Burning Tusks and I were a part of an expedition into a place called Ulduar. I was teleported to this place by way of the tribe's talisman's magic, so I do not know where it is, except that it is in Northrend; it was very cold outside. Ferak, an orc and initiate to the tribe, led us in. Kazak'guul, Urukha, Ura, Caelyssa, Nystia, and Tyrlink were with is, as well as an undead man I did not recognize, and Tyrlink's goblin friend... I believe she calls herself "Molly." Overall, we were unsuccessful in retrieving what we had set out to find; another attempt will be made soon. This expedition was very trying on all involved... we were warned beforehand that it would be dangerous, and that there were stories of others who had lost their minds while within Ulduar.

Surely enough, upon entering I was shown a false memory: my birth tribe, killed by my hand. As we pushed on, I caught glimpses of things out of the corner of my eye that tried to tell me that my memory was not false. Towards the end, I was shown some truly disturbing images, of many I knew and loved over the years being brutally slain, again by my hand. A joke Urukha had made earlier about me being a threat should I lose my mind echoed in my memory, followed by her screaming. I looked around and saw the others staring at me, weapons drawn, and I ran, afraid that I was going to be killed for crimes I knew I did not commit. Tyrlink and Molly came to my aid shortly after, though at the time I had thought they were looking to execute me.

I think I am fine now... Tyrlink and Molly helped me to regain my senses, somehow. Urukha, on the other hand, did not fare as well as I or the others seemed to. Later that night we joined her at the Wyvern's Tail for alcohol... but she was intent to "drown her problems." She pushed us all away and eventually passed out... I think she might have regurgitated, as well. I could not stand to see Urukha this way, but when I offered to bring her home, she made it clear that she would rather lie on the floor in a puddle of her stomach's contents. Instead, I decided to spend the night with her at the tavern, to make sure she was safe.

Nystia, another of the tribe's initiates and the only other person remaining from the group, noted that Urukha was fortunate to have me as a friend. I explained to Nystia that Urukha was not just a friend, but something more... family. All of the Burning Tusks are my family, and it is my duty to stand by them and make sure that harm does not come to them. They would do the same for me, as Tyrlink had earlier, in the depths of Ulduar. As I thought of this, I remembered a time when I had too much to drink, when the Tribe had gone to somewhere for a night of dancing to loud music. Urukha had made sure I returned to the tribe's home safely. When Nystia left, I had decided that I would do the same, despite Urukha's desire to remain at the tavern.

I brought her home and put her into her bed, and left a note explaining my actions before retiring to my own hut... Urukha was in a deep sleep and did not stir as I moved her around. I have not seen her since then, and I hope she is not angry that I violated her wishes... I only wish to make sure those in my newfound family are safe. Until ash.