For Her

Last night I had found Annjia. I had not seen her recently, so we spoke of what I had done since we had last talked.

Again, my mind had wandered to Maengun. I asked Annjia if she was able to still feel love in her current state; I have heard that many unliving creatures lose the ability to feel emotion. To my surprise, she told me that she could, and I asked if she might help me in finding clarity. After mistaking my request as asking if she would be my mate, she had told me as the General had said: I must not question how I feel. She also said that I must show Maengun that I appreciate her. I recalled my father... he would sometimes bring a flower, or a flawless hide to my mother after a hunt. Annjia said that this was how he showed appreciation for my mother, and in turn gave to me a bundle of sweet-smelling red flowers, to give to Maengun.

Later in the evening, I sensed her presence through the tribal talisman, and asked if she might meet me on the bridge over Stonebull Lake. She agreed. I went to her, my flowers in hand. I gave them to her, and she looked at me, surprised. She asked why I had done this... and I was sure of it now. I told her that I was in love with her.

She ran away.

I would find her later, in the Commons hut. I felt weak... my heart raced, and I could not stand. I thought she would run again... but she apologized to me for running, earlier. We talked for some time... of how we felt for each other. Of her father. Of what makes her happy. She said she did feel comfortable around me, but she preferred to be alone. I had not noticed before how beautiful she was... I told her this, and she said the same of me, in turn. Then, she asked if she might be allowed to spend the night in my hut... she said she wished to sleep in a more comfortable place. She is gone this morning, but I will welcome her into my hut any time she wishes to come.

Though she had said she prefers to stay alone, and I will respect her wishes, it does not change how I feel for her. I am in love with Maengun, and I will do anything for her.

What Am I Feeling?

Everywhere I look, I am reminded of Maengun. Her smiling face sits at the front of my mind, and the quietest mention of love causes my heart to pound. It is as if the world knows that I am in love, and wishes to heckle me at any opportunity.

On Saturday night, Urukha and Pipiltin were lifemated again, to renew their vows. The General performed the ritual, and gave a speech beforehand. He said that love must be held onto, and that one must spend each day with their love as if it were their last. Again, my thoughts went to Maengun. I had not seen her since I laid her to sleep two nights ago. I wondered if she was well. I feared, briefly, that something might happen to her, and that I would not know.

I spoke with the General the next day, in Orgrimmar. I told him that I thought I loved Maengun, but I did not know if it was true. He asked me what I felt, as I thought of her... I had felt too much, more than I could say in either tongue I could speak. I told him what had happened, on the night of the tavern. He told me that love is complex, but yet it is simple. I must simply feel it, and not dwell upon it. If I look upon another and feel happiness, then perhaps it means I am in love.

When I look upon Maengun... I feel

The entry cuts out with a large ink blob after the last word.

This Is Love?

I believe I have fallen in love with Maengun.

Last night, the tribe hosted the Burning Tavern, as it does every Friday night. Shortly after my arrival, Maengun arrived as well. I was happy to see her there, and trying to learn more about the tribe in spite of her being shy. However, she quickly became drunk... I do not think she drinks alcohol often. She said she spoke with Ura, and became her friend. I was happy to hear this.

Then suddenly, Maengun fell into me, and then fell asleep. I laid on the floor with her on top of me. I could not move her, and she would not wake up. I was not uncomfortable... I think. I did not know what to think, as she had never done such a thing before. But I did not feel discomfort or pain as she lay upon me... I felt the opposite. It was good.

She would eventually move off of me in her sleep, and so I carried her to the Ravine, as I had done with Urukha before when she had had too much alcohol and fell asleep. I looked to her, and recalled the troubling stories she told me of her life. She slept in my arms, happily, and at peace. She was not tense, or burdened with the guilt she bore while searching for her father. I felt happy to see this, happier than I can recall ever feeling in my life.

Though I did not realize this until later, I am certain of the moment that I had fallen in love. As I looked at her, she stirred in my arms, and opened her eyes. She looked up to me, confused at first... I thought I might have done something wrong. But, Maengun simply fell back into her slumber, and rest her head against my arm... and smiled.

I am not certain if her actions are her own, or if it was brought upon by the alcohol. But more than ever, I wish to be there for Maengun. I would lay my life down for her without question. I want her to be safe, and happy. It is my wish to see her lips again carry the smile she wore in my arms last night. The smile forever burned into my memory.

Aging

Last night I spoke with Mukwa... it had been a while since I saw him last. He said he had been spending much time sleeping lately, and did not know that I had left the tribe to travel for a time. He has not learned anything new of his past, though his mind is creating new memories. He has traveled to Pandaria, and like many others, has told me it is beautiful. He also warned me of the many dangers found there, besides the sha. He says I must see the Jade Forest and Vale of Eternal Blossoms if I am to travel there.

Mukwa does not know his age as I do mine, but it is clear that the years he has seen have not been kind to him, even though he cannot remember them. He once was a part of the tribe's strike force, and helped to protect our tribe, fiercely. As with my other Brothers and Sisters who were part of the strike force, a fire burned deep within him, and even when his mind was shattered he put his entire being into protecting those he loved. But, his age has begun to weigh on him. He cannot fight for us as he had before, and told me he believes it is time he lived a more peaceful life.

Mukwa still fears his past. He feels that there may be too much hardship for him to bear, and that his health and scars are proof of this. I pray this not to be true. I told him that surely there are happy memories to be found. I suggested that perhaps his mate and daughter were one of these memories, but he feels this is not so. He had told me, however, that he would gladly tell me stories from his past, should he remember them. I look forward to this.

Another Night at the Faire

Tonight... this morning has gone in a bad direction.

I invited the tribe to come out to the Darkmoon Faire and play Truth or Dare, a game I have enjoyed in the past and have not played in a while. It is a good way to learn more of my Brothers and Sisters, though often the dares asked of others are very lewd... fortunately, I have been spared such things. Though, I was asked to remove my clothing and approach one of the Faire's carnies, to give them a hug. The human I had found did not appreciate this gesture.

This gathering was good. But, I had decided to be fired from the cannon before I returned home for the night... I find excitement in the short flight. Unfortunately, the cannon had misfired this time, and I was shot headfirst into a tree. Blood poured from my nose, and I could not move my head without great pain in my neck. Aelandir was nearby, and summoned his flying machine to try to pull me from the tree. The attempt was unsuccessful, and I fell from the tree, onto my back... my shield. Aelandir appeared to have fallen from his flying machine, and I think I may have hit him as I fell.

He was able to mend my injuries, but I was told not to sleep for the next 2 hours. I have sat in my hut, writing to pass time. Pipiltin and Urukha's lifemating celebration is on Sunday night, and I had thought it good to prepare a story to tell. I am having difficulty finding the words I wish to say, though. My head hurts.

A Night at the Faire

On Sunday, I sent an invitation to Maengun to accompany me to the Darkmoon Faire tonight. I was pleased to see her when she arrived to Thunder Bluff to meet me. As I had expected, she had not been to the Faire before. I explained to her what to expect, and gave to her 10 gold coins as a gift so she may freely enjoy the Faire, and all of its games and food. She told me she was willing to accept this gift just this once... she does not like to be given coin without doing proper work.

The evening was good, and Maengun seemed to enjoy herself. She seemed to understand and enjoy Whack-A-Gnoll the most of all the games. She employed a strategy I had not seen before on the ring toss game, by throwing all of her rings at the turtle at once. It was... surprisingly effective, actually. I found humor in this, as I had been patiently throwing my rings, and had to spend two tokens in order to claim victory. Hers was won in mere seconds, and one token. She had also seemed to find amusement in the new "Merry-Go-Round," though by walking against the direction the platform turned, rather than simply riding upon it as I had. Perhaps it is better... I became very dizzy.

I had noticed that she still seemed tense, as we walked the grounds of the Faire. She was still searching. At first, I believed that she was simply taking in her surroundings, but I saw that her eyes were focused most on the other people. I had hoped that Maengun would use this night to forget about the things that troubled her... but perhaps that is too much to ask of her, now. I cannot understand her plight; I had not lost my parents until I came of age, and she had no mother from birth, and willingly (albeit regrettably) shunned her father in her youth.

At the end of the night, I showed her the portal that would return us to Thunder Bluff. I thanked her for accompanying me, as the Faire is much more enjoyable when shared with a friend. She thanked me in turn, for inviting her, then fell silent, staring at me. I wondered, briefly, what was on her mind... then she made her thoughts known before I could ask: she jumped forward, and hugged me. Before I could understand fully what was happening, she ran for the portal and jumped into it.

I do not know what I am feeling, right now... I just know that all of my emotions are good. I am still surprised, as I had not expected a hug from Maengun. But I am overjoyed to know that she has accepted my friendship. Perhaps now, she will find it easier to approach others in the tribe.

A Good Friend

Later into the night, I found Maengun in our Commons, eating the box of truffles I had sent to her, quite audibly. As I entered, she noticed, and looked up at me as though she had done something wrong. Her face and hands were covered in chocolate. I could not help but find humor in this, and briefly I wondered if I behaved in a similar way when I was given food made by Pipiltin. I sat with her to talk; she received my letter, and asked why I wished to be her friend. I told her as I have written here before: I enjoy her company, and I wish to know that she is well. She told me that the reason for her eating the truffles in the manner I found her in was because it was not often she was able to have such foods. We began to talk about various things we have eaten, and she suggested I try grapefruit. It is as she said: sweet, but tart. I am unsure if I like it, but I was told it is something one must learn to like.

We also spoke of our passions, and what we most enjoy to do to pass time. I was surprised to hear that Maengun does no such thing. She has been so focused on finding her father, and surviving on her own, that she has not thought of what else she may enjoy. This worries me, as she has recently given up on her search. I am led to believe that she now feels she has no purpose, and I pray that she does not actually think this. I had felt this, and similar things, briefly, as Yogg-Saron played with my mind those many months ago. It is the most saddening thing I have ever felt. I cannot imagine feeling this way for longer than I had.

I reminded her of her abilities in the way of the elements, and asked what else she was able to do, determined to help her find a purpose in the tribe. She reminded me, in turn, of wood carving. When I found her in Un'goro, on the brink of death, and brought her to the nearby camp to be treated, she had carved my likeness into one of her totems and left it with me as a token of gratitude for saving her, before leaving the camp with some of their possessions. I hold onto it still... it sits on a shelf in my hut, and I told her of this. It is a simple carving, but it still holds a certain beauty. She seemed quite pleased that I thought her work to be good... I believe she may create beautiful things from wood, with enough practice.

Before I left, I reminded her of the chocolate stuck in her fur, and of Stonebull Lake, to the northwest. Tomorrow marks the first full week of this month, and that would mean that the Darkmoon Faire will be open. Ever since finding some strange things in the surrounding forest during Brother Qua'nah's gathering, I have not been able to enjoy the Faire on my own. Perhaps I shall ask Maengun if she wishes to accompany me, this time. It will distract my mind from the many questions I ask of the faire, and perhaps she will find something that she will enjoy?

To Tell the Truth

I had only recently returned from the farm above me to hear Aelandir and Pipiltin speaking to one another through the tribal talisman. It occurred to me that I had only seen Pipiltin briefly since my return, and we had not a chance to speak face to face. She was offering to bring Aelandir tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches... having finished my work for the day, I asked if I may follow. I was hungry, and it had been a long time since I had tasted Pipiltin's cooking. I also thought that I should acquaint myself with Aelandir better, for the most time I have been in his company was during the night of the winter solstice. Our meal was delicious, though I had made a fool of myself once, burning my mouth and throat on the soup, then again when I had mistaken the spilled soup upon Aelandir's shirt for blood.

However, our discussion once again turned to the topic of finding a mate. Aelandir believes he loves Sister Illyana, and has gone with her on a date once. However, he was hesitant to admit this, and said that he does not want Illyana to think of him as strange. As a result, he had hidden his true feelings from her. Pipiltin told a story I had heard once before, of three trolls: two males that would not express their true feelings for a female, who also would not say to either male what she felt for them. In the end, they were manipulated due to their hidden affections, and the larger male, who had known and loved the female for the longer time, was pushed away and called simply a friend. He would watch the other male and the one he loved continue on with their life, become mated, and begin a family. The moral of this story is to be honest, and open with others about how you feel for them. Pipiltin then suggested that Aelandir write a letter to Illyana, to tell her how he truly felt. He seemed very uncomfortable with the thought, and Pipiltin would serve only to embarrass him further through the talisman when Illyana had awoken. Fortunately, Illyana did not seem disturbed by this. Aelandir seemed relieved, somewhat.

Then, Aelandir turned the topic to myself, and Maengun. I was asked if I considered Maengun to be a potential mate. I was surprised, and found myself feeling as umcomfortable as he. But unlike him, I do not love Maengun as a mate. She is a good friend, as are Annjia and Nemeiah. Though, perhaps I am somewhat closer to Maengun than others. She had saved my life, before. It was suggested that I write a letter to her as well, to explain how I feel. I thought it unnecessary, as I am sure she knows how I feel, but on the other hand I believed that it would not cause any harm. Pipiltin also gave us boxes of chocolate truffles, filled with caramel, and told us to send them to those we were writing to. For a moment, I was hesitant to accept them... I am aware that a gift of chocolate is commonly sent as an expression of love. I took them only because Pipiltin insisted, and she is not one to cross.

My Ideal Mate

At the end of our tribal meetings, we choose a single person among us and place them into what we call our "circle of questions." They are asked a single question by each person in the circle we stand in, and then are able to turn to one of us and pose a question of their own. Last night, I found myself being asked the final question, by Urukha.

"Describe your ideal mate."

This is not the first time that I have been asked a question like this, and it is something that I have not put very much thought into. Urukha once before had asked me a similar question, and a few days before, Annjia had asked me if I had a mate. I was once told by an elder shu'halo, that searching for a lifemate is something that is best to wait upon, and that I have my entire life before me. But, I have been told by others that perhaps I am in need of a mate, to care for me in my times of need, and to have a companion I may share my experiences with.

Last night, I was placed in a very uncomfortable situation, and did not have an answer ready to such a question. I tried to give an answer, but I was not sure if it was the true answer, or if it was complete. I have since slept upon the question and given more thought to it...

I suppose I must first be able to call my mate a friend. I must be able to trust her, to be by my side when I need her, and she must be able to put the same trust in me. She must be patient and understanding, for there are many things I still do not know, of the world and of myself. She should share my love of children, for it would give us both great joy when a child is born to us. Above all else, she must be kind towards myself, my friends, and my family.

These things I believe would allow me to live happily with the female I wish to call my mate. Though, I am again wondering when I will find her, or when she will find me. How will I know when we have found each other?